Thursday, April 15, 2010

Link's Drink of the Week: Tax Time Tea Baggin' Toddy

As a man of unparalleled Dapperness & Wealth™, I loathe the 15th of April almost as much as I loathe my continually reoccurring case of the Prawns.

I so despise having to give a penny of my hard-earned (earned by someone else) money to the "Man" only to have it be given to supporting various ridiculous services, organizations, charities, and worth-while associations that I'm not directly affected by...

How will this help me purchase those fur pants I've been eyeing, if I have to give .0001% of my income (I have a great accountant) to help pay for silliness such as the police, army, fire, or civil services? I say Anarchy in the streets! I have my penthouse safe room AND access to the Worthington Family Armageddon Bungalow™ on the Cape. Plus, my new manservant Chatsworth is trained in the deadly arts. Not sure which ones, but they're DEADLY...

So when I came upon literature pertaining to something called a "Tea Party" rallying against taxes, I though it my civic (ie. greed-induced) duty to attend. Well, actually it was the rumors of "Tea Bagging" that got me a tad bit more titillated. Tax protest AND orgy. What a great combination!

But upon arriving (wearing my special quick-releasing silk ORGY pants), I saw no such activities taking place. And to be brutally honest, I wouldn't even want to dangle my treasured man-sack in any of these homely pie-holes. The nerve of such false advertisement!

After storming out, it dawned on me...

The perfect protest is to drink heavily! Hence this weeks Drink of the Week:

Tax Time Tea Baggin' Toddy

1 All-American, Red-blooded Lipton Tea Bag
4 Shots Wal Mart Barn-Burnin' Brandy
1 Tbsp. Honey (From some God Forsaken Dustbowl State)
1 Lemon Slice (Carved in the shape of a Bald Eagle)
1 1934 Minted $1000 bill
1 Match

Steep tea in hot water for 10 minutes. Place tea bag off to side. Mix in brandy and honey. Garnish with Lemon Eagle. Place $1000 bill in mug, light on fire, then throw drink out of nearest window, or if incarcerated down the toilet. Now drop cold tea bag into mouth, and stew about giving away both your precious booze and money.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

Link Gets All Artsy Fartsy

I truly am an unabashed Paraclete of the Arts, as all us bona fide Dapper Gents™ are. When not posing au naturel for the local progressive-minded primary school figurative drawing classes, I'm snatching up young penniless artisan's work hand over foot to both horde and later exploit.

At the moment, my collective "peepers" have been focused on the talents of one Margaret Keane. Her hauntingly disconcerting doe-eyed rascals equally charm and creep the hell out of me. In fact, when I placed my vast collection in my boudoir the other eve, I had a dickens of a time persuading my various lady friends to disrobe and fornicate. So off to the rumpus room with you, Keane-ish freaks!

I kept the kitty pillows though. Worked with the milieu of the room.

Ms. Keane was kind enough to let me pose for a portrait recently, and I am tickled pink by the horrific results! I swore she wouldn't make me cry, but she had to bring up my dearest Mr. Dingles... and the waterworks began...

I believe she has captured my true essence... that of a small, forlorn pipe-smokin' man-boy who's only dream in life was to skin his pet leopard for a fur-lined bathtub. Where's my hanky? Sob...

A little trade secret: As luck would have it, these priceless Keane paintings show up ever so often in local second hand stores, rummage sales, and more commonly, dumpsters. Pick any random trash receptacle, dive in, and you'll surely come up with a Keane painting AND a nice pre-chewed, post-supper snack.

Next time on Art Collecting with Link™: A behind the scenes look at my life-size, anatomically-exaggerated, Alabaster sculpture garden.