Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Ask a Sausage Link...

While Link finishes his electo-shock therapy over the trauma of the last few months, we thought, just for shits and giggles, we'd run an all new "Ask a Sausage Link..." that's been festering on the back burner for some time:

Dear Mr. Sausage Link,

First off, I'm a long time fan of the sausage. In fact, if I may toot my own intestine wrapped horn, I was crowned Ms. Kielbasa Queen '36 in the salad days of my youth. Well, the blossom of that young Kielbasa may have shriveled and putrified, along with the majority of my essential body parts, but I still crave the sausage in a big way.

Enclosed is a photo of me in full pork mode:

But I digress: Is it bad form for a lady of my maturity and vaginal dryness to ask a young man to see his sausage? I'm usually rebuffed with giggles and gagging, but all I desire is to feast my eyes on the fresh cylindrical beauty of young ground pork/beef/venison that he may be consuming or carrying at the moment.

Sally McDickleson
Perth Amboy, New Jersey

Dear Sally,

Hot damn!!! YOU ARE A SAUCY SAUCY SALLY AREN'T YOU? Why can't I ever meet a spicy older broad with a taste for the sausage like you? All I seem to meet are hungry eyes and salivating mouths... I'm more than a wiener Goddamit! I'm a man! No wait... I am just a wiener. But a wiener with feelings, Sally. I know you understand. Can I come live with you? Be you're special salsiccia? If you're open-minded, I know a beefy Macedonian lukanec that would be open to a Ménage à trois!


Dear Mr. Sausage,

I have what I believe is the world's biggest sausage, but I need an expert's opinion. May I show you my sausage? It measures 50 feet long and has a thickness of 1 foot. Is there some sort of award, or ribbon, or maybe a parade that I could receive for such a feat of pork packing?

Ronald Berkowitz
Long Island, New York

(Picture enclosed)

Dear Ronald,

While certainly an impressive log of meat, it is laughably small and pathetic when compared to the what is the actual KING OF ALL THINGS SAUSAGE...


An amazing feat of pork-based architecture. I believe it only lasted one day until a group of whacked out hippies, high on dope, stumbled upon it, ate the supporting pork, causing a collapse which wiped out a nearby orphanage. God Damn HIPPIES!!!!!

So, no Ronald. No GOD DAMN PARADE!


Have any sausage-related questions? Well, then send them to:

Sal Salsiccia

1232 Broadway
NY, NY 10020

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