Friday, March 5, 2010

Link is Free, But Good God is He Fat

Dear Readers, I am once again among you un-incarcerated plebs to spread to Dapper word. Consider me now the Ex-con of Cool™. This jailbird has his leopard print wings back, Baby.

Yes, there truly wasn't a dry eye when I left prison. And to be honest, I didn't want to leave. I had to be forcibly vacated from my freshly decorated cell, which only made it all the more heart-breaking for my inconsolable cell mate and "C" block chums. But alas, their tears and riotous wailings were quickly washed away when the screws turned on the high-powered hoses...

It seems my twin brother, and arch-nemesis since the womb, Wink Worthington IV, using his substantial powers of monetary persuasion, bought my way out of the pokey. But at what cost, My Dapper Brethren? Now I must labor under his wrathful thumb in the Family Salt Mines (A wholly owned subsidiary of Worthington Industries, Inc.) for an undetermined allotment of time to pay off this debt! What is a Trust Fund Fop to do? My hands are so silky and supple!

But worse than the thought of actual manual labor, is the fact that I packed on a few pounds in the can. And by "can" I don't mean prison, if you get my drift. All that easy livin' added some serious poundage to my once lean physique. Charles Atlas no more. Pas plus Jack LaLanne. And since us Worthingtons must look our Dapper Best-est™ at all times, I am required to shed said chub before entering the family business.

My plan is simple: A liquid diet of gin, raw eggs and wheat germ (I call it a "Gin & Colonic"), teamed with strenuous lounging while wearing the Fat-A-Mizer Lard Melter 650 wired to my portly frame. I should start losing those 150+ pounds of unsightly deposits of excess adipose tissue within months... or years!

Week 1: A brisk introductory workout after waddling out of bed, consisting of Squat Thrusts and Deep Knee Bends, followed by a horrendous burning sensation in my groin/buttocks/testicles forces me to postpone my diet plans indefinitely. Heavy drinking, pill popping and strudel sucking ensues. Pounds gained: 15

Week 2: A fresh start. Make myself a Gin & Colonic. Spend next hour in powder room. Cleans out the pipes like Liquid Drano. Reclined on chaises fully wired to the Fat-A-Mizer Lard Melter 650. Watch as my stomach muscles do the "El Crampo Cha-cha". Put on bongo music to soothe my tattered nerves and sphincter. Read warning in brochure: Do not use in conjunction with alcohol or intestinal blowout may occur. Immediately consume TWO more Gin & Colonics. More rectal rooting and intentional intestinal blowouts. Pounds lost: 25

Weeks 3-5: Can't leave Man Cave in fear of losing sphincter lip down trouser leg. Oh, the cramps... the CRAMPS... I think the electronic impulses from the Fat-A-Mizer have made my testicles shrivel into tiny Hickory Times™ charcoal briquets. Lost all nipple sensation... and generous clumps of body hair. Vision blurred. Pounds lost: 137...

Mission Accomplished. On to the Salt Mines!

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