Link's Drink of the Week: Cell Block "C" Cider

You know... I am truly enjoying this prison thing. I'm learning exciting new crafts (such as shiv making), the routine body cavity searches are doing wonders for my regularity, and I've never had such an all-over even tan. While my barrister says it's just a matter of time until he "springs" me, I think I'll stay here a tad bit longer, nonetheless. A well earned vacation. The easy livin' prison life. My hectic schedule of partyin', swingin', loungin' and lovin' was wearing me mighty thin. It almost made getting out of my leopard print water bed utterly unbearable.

The only thing missing in this utopian existence is a good stiff drink (or three). Unfortunately, recreational drugs (those bigger than you can wedge up your sphincter), which would include my friend, Mr. Alcohol, are strictly verboten. But, while perusing the prison bibliotheca, I happened upon the tome How to Make Fine Sippin' Hootch Out of Everyday Items Found in Your Prison Cell (what luck!) by Beaufort Beauchamp. You may know him better as the ink slinger behind the Mastering the Art of Possum Cooking series. His Confit de' Possum dore au Thym is très fantastique!

So armed with this book, and my trusty shiv, I begged, borrowed and shanked my way to producing a sweet nectar worthy of gracing my Drink of the Week:

Cell Block "C" Cider

Directions:

1 Dirty Sock (preferably from your cell mate. Extra cheesy)
2 Boxes of raisins (I won't tell you what I had to do to get these)
1 Gallon Apple juice
1/2 Gallon warm water
2 Moldy pieces of prison Wonderloaf™ Bread
1 Straw

Pour liquids and raisins into either your toilet, or a double-lined plastic refuse bag. Place moldy bread into cheesy sock, then drop into liquid. If using plastic bag, tie off bag with straw sticking out, so it won't explode from the carbon dioxide. If using toilet, don't urinate or defecate in it for at least a month as to not spoil your "head" hootch. Use your cell mates pillow case instead. Or perhaps throw it at the guards. That'll keep them out of your cell while the fermentation takes place. After a month to six weeks, strain fruits and sock from liquid using the pantyhose the lads insist you wear in your prison summer stock production of Moliere's Le Tartuffe, ou L'Imposteur. Voila! Now pour into your battered tin cup and enjoy.