Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Link's in the Clink!

Dearest Friends, I truly apologize for not posting Part Two of my "Guide to Throwing the Swingingest Tiki Party", but alas... My downstairs neighbor arrived home weeks early whilst I was in the midst of finishing up the imu pit! He was not at all pleased at the sight of a gaping hole in his ceiling, or for that matter, the swine drippings from an early test run. So, Your Kind Teacher in the Arts of Dapperness finds himself in the pokey. The joint. The Big House. The... CAN. I have been incarcerated these past days in the most slapdash of conditions. Balderdash, I say! My barrister will make mincemeat of this travesty of justice! But, in the meantime, I must carry forward the Dapper Banner™, no matter what the circumstances.

I find myself cohabiting a powder blue 8 x 8 reformatory nook with a most charming, albeit elephantine, chap: A Mr. Victor Kerchankowitz. The "screws" and fellow yardbirds refer to him by the congenial moniker "The Broomstick". I have yet to figure what this exactly pertains to... Is it his undeniable skills at his sweeping duties of the cell blocks? Perhaps I'm being a tad paranoid, but he always seems rather fixated on me with the most lurid gaze as he brooms. Quite odd...

My first order of business, now that I'm a convict, was liberating myself from the ghastly orange institutional pantsuits, and slipping into a more classically Dapper black & white prison stripe ensemble. Chain Gang Chic™. Frankly, I am just not an Autumn, but more of a Winter on the color scale, therefore ORANGE is not to be found in this gent's chest of drawers. As luck would have it, the warden is an old prep school chum, and fellow Sigma Lambda Nu brother, so my special needs were promptly respected.

Yes, I may stick out, but that's my job, Mister. AND... It pays to stick out in prison! I get the best chow and the choicest seat in the mess hall, complimentary soap latherings in the showers, a very light aluminum ball and chain, and the best work detail (something called a "Bitch", which basically means I get to spend my days sunning in the yard while others toil making license plates or some such). All thanks to being Dapper™! Well... and thanks to telling my fellow cons how much I LOVE to smoke the pipe. Apparently they're fond of a good smoke as well.

Now down to important matters... how to smuggle leopard print in here so I can remodel our cell?

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