Link's Guide to Throwing the Swingingest Tiki Party: Part 1

Ah yes, it's that time of year, My Little Wahines. Time to slip on the pâ`û heihei and coconut bras and paddle the Waka ama over to Uncle Link's paradise isle for his annual Swingin' Tiki Party. Thrown the third weekend in February (to commemorate the untimely death and ritual disembowelment of Captain James Cook on February 14, 1779), it's a three-day long libidinous luau of unimaginable vulgarity, topped with the sacrifice of a "virgin" to Pele, the Goddess of Fire, in the seething cauldron of Mt. Linkauea.

In preparation for the festivities, I offer the local tots a shiny nickel for every potted fern, palm, or tall grass they can pilfer and bring back to the abode. I lose a few rascals every year as they slip off fire escapes and porches in search of green booty, but before long, I've got a lush jungle of super-equatorial vegetation.

Now comes the sand. You can't have an authentic luau without loads of it. The whole pad must be blanketed at least 4 to 5 inches deep. I send our young entrepreneurs off to the local playground to carry back as much sand as their soon-to-be blistered little fingers/pockets/hats/backpacks can hold. Job well done, cubs!

One last chore is handing them the power tools to half the coconuts I'll need for the cocktails. Don't fret... I always keep a box of adhesive bandages and iodine on hand in case of any accidents. I am a trained professional after all. Safety is first and foremost: I have them toil on a drop cloth so the blood doesn't stain the imported rugs.

As luck would have it, February happens to be the same month that my downstairs neighbor vacates for warmer pastures to soothe his egregious case of gout. This greatly facilitates the installation of the imu pit in the living room to cook the kalua pig. The pit is 6' by 4' by '4, so I have to cut into the floor and "borrow" a few feet of turf from the neighbors ceiling. Here's a cut-away of what it looks like:

Mmmm. One can almost smell that sweet succulent swine right now...

Tune in next time, when I'll discuss music, cocktails, setting up the volcano, AND, of course... How to Sacrifice a "Virgin". Aloha!