Ask a Sausage Link...

A new column, where YOU, our devoted readers, can write in and ask pertinent sausage-related ponderings to an actual living, breathing, stinking sausage link. And not just any old kielbasa, but if I don't say so myself, the Dapperest of 100% pork by-products. My name is Sal Salsiccia, but please call me "Mr. Sausage". And without a further adieu, our first question:

Dear Mr. Sausage,

First of all... I love the sausage. I mean I REALLY love the sausage. I eat it for breakfast, brunch, lunch, banquet, snack, tea, dinner, supper, and dessert! But I have absolutely no idea what is in this heavenly meat tube. Can you enlighten me?

Linus P. Schneider

Queens, NY

Dear Linus,

It's really quite simple. The only two ingredients in any "official" sausage are... Lips and Assholes. Ha! I love that one! But no, I wish it were true. Unfortunately sausages are actually made out of parts far worse than that. Lips and assholes are reserved for "chicken" nuggets and chili fries. Since you have only a few more weeks to live, based on your sausage-exclusive diet, I'll tell you what's in these devil dogs...

On second thought, you might as well die in peace.

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Dear Mr. Sausage,

I'd like to team a Finnish Mustamakkara sausage with an appropriate beverage. What do you recommend?

Martin Globnick

Pensicola, FL

Dear Martin,

You Sir, must have the Balls of Altas to even look at, let alone, consume this black evilness masquerading as a sausage. Oh, I know what the townsfolks of Tampere say about killing the pungent flavor with lingonberry jam and rotmos, but I have traveled the world of sausage, and know that this wiener is Satan's work... So, I'd recommend a dry white wine. Perhaps an Aligote or Basque Txakoli.