Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Hair-dacity™: The Unparalleled Power of My Hair

There's THREE things essential to the Dapper Lifestyle™: A stiff drink, women galore, and a swell head of hair. Scratch that... There's only ONE thing: A swell head of hair. For with the power granted from the All Holy Follicle Lords upon high, a gent can hook a sweet dish, who (while being under the captivating spell of such unparalleled height, sheen, and silky goodness) will fork over more than a few Ben Franklins for the privilege of joining your glistening locks in a drink or two. But the price one must pay for touching the heavens is a steep one indeed...

I start each hair day at 3 am, even though I'm usually just crawling through the door from a night of licentiousness at the local firewater dispensary, back alley pinochle game, or some honey's slumber-induced death-grip.

First off, I vigorously massage my scalp for 30 minutes with essential oils (Ylang ylang, chamomile, and myrrh). Next, after the blistering and burning sensation subsides, a shampoo, set and curl, then under the Blowmaster 350 hairdryer for 45 minutes. Upon completion, teased and sculpted to a Queensbury Rules height of 5 inches. Dosed with a liberal application of Mr. Shellac™ Hair Concrete (available at any quality industrial hardware store (see ad below)), and I'm ready to roll.

Remember: Hair should be impervious to wind, rain, and open flame. If you can successfully drag a comb through your coiffure, then you have failed miserably as a man. Think of your hair as a dame trap: If a lovely lass should make the mistake of venturing her digits through your topper, she'll become hopelessly entangled... and only you have the lacquer thinner and shoe horn to free her!

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